I'd like to quote selectively from, and comment on, a recent memo I received on his behalf from the executive assistant of the president of the company I work for.
"You’ve all just heard my recent State of the Company address [No I didn't. I needed to either go to an late-in-the-day cocktail reception, which wasn't important enough to close our call center, or important enough to invite spouses to, so it wasn't important enough for me. Or I could have listened in on another time he gave the address during the work day. When I'm supposed to be on the phone. Doing my job.] and have some understanding of where we’re headed. You also should understand by now the importance of all of us contributing to the greater good [Emphasis mine. Nothing like using language most recently used in popular culture to justify killing undesirables in order to win the title of 'Village of the Year' in the hit comedy HOT FUZZ starring Simon freakin' Pegg, a comedic genius.] and that I’m looking to each to you to be thinking constantly of creative ideas to push the marketable concepts of our company to the consumer [No, no, not giving anyone in the company any raises at all this year wasn't enough motivation to stick around contribute joyfully. Now we're all being asked to do the job of the marketing department in our spare time? I'm gonna work here forever! I love being treated so well. Nigh unto a king. Sarcasm filter off. Ok, I mean, yeah, it's nice to be considered for input on things in a company. But how about any input what-so-ever on the methods in which we do our job, or the software we deal with on a daily basis? Oh, we're not smart enough for that? I guess we're also too dumb to give you marketing ideas for free, either.].
"A few people have already brought ideas [Never mind. Not all of us are dumb enough to keep our ideas to ourselves.]. . . . [O]ne that you saw in our presentation . . . was that of the license plate frame. The frames are being sent to each of you over the next few days so that you can put them around the license plates of your cars. The idea, of course, is that people will see [WEBSITE PRODUCT NAME REDACTED] and be curious enough to log in [to the website]. . . . [<stunned silence from me>]
"This is strictly a voluntary program. Consider, however, as shareholders and as workers with jobs, everything we do can only help to increase our company’s worth [Yes, master. I am your slave. My life for yours.]. As you help to increase the worth of our company, you may increase your own, as it may be worth your while to have one of these frames on your car. [Note how threatening these words are. Strictly voluntary" (I promise, no promotions or considerations will ever be given to those who uncompensatedly attach these advertisements to their cars), "consider," (or else!) "workers with jobs" (who can quickly become workers without jobs, if you know what I mean), "it may be worth your while" (Or I'll send a large man with a baseball bat to convince your knees that it would be).].
"Thank you for your participation!" [Thank you in retrospect for your condescension! (Which means talking down to)]
Now, look, I'm not against working for a company. Nor am I against spending time telling other people how great the product my company sells. If I think it's good. But in such a religiously consumerist society as we live in, I have a hard time plastering the iconography of any company on anything I have, let alone something unrelated to the product that it's on.
I have a hard enough time with the fact that I have a Sony TV, a Dell laptop, and a Panasonic TV (among other things) and that they all present their icon for through-worship (re: consumer envy) to anyone who looks. But I paid for (or was given) all of those things that have those icons on them. I'm not adding advertising on top of an already branded item. I.
But to be asked to tack advertising onto my car by a company that boasts at every quarterly meeting of how it puts its workers first, boasts of how hard our division worked this year, making the only profit in the entire corporation, boasts of sending a large dividend to the stockholders, and then decides that the standard (and only annual) less-than-inflation size raises are too much for the company to handle, is insulting. I mean, look, I don't need more money. In fact, I really need to learn how to live more simply, and have less money for me, and more to give away. But in a culture of a company where money is so important (Seriously, every meeting, the VP gushes over how big "the check" was we sent to the stockholders), it's just another reminder of the excessive power structure of our society, a narrative, I'm more than interested in deconstructing, if you get my drift. Think more 'demolition' than 'Derrida.' Heck, give my raise to other people. I'm fine with that. But don't ask me to shill.
Actually, come to think of it, the real estate industry is entirely obsessed with image. Here are some example email addresses that are not too far from the truth of email addresses I get on a daily basis: johnsells4you@besthomesinthegalaxy.com, or executivepremiereRealtorofthedecade@cheatstowinreaestate4you.com, or theonlyrealestateagentinamericasoyoubetterhiremesuckersImtheonlyoneinthgame@remaxbestestagentever.com.
I'm only slightly kidding. I have agents alk to me on a weekly basis FREAKING OUT that their image in our system is stretched or out of date. Not to mention the obsessive nature with which some agents pour over comparative statistics, asking me for the most esoteric minutiae of data in those reports.
So maybe it would be a good idea to plaster my 199x Toyota Previa (can I get a Juno shout-out?) UFO/baby blue egg with slogans for my company. We wash it once every few months, honest. Nothing says "Buy a New Home That You Can't Afford. It'll Make You Finally Happy in Your Loveless Marriage, Honest" like that van. Then again, maybe someone important will see it and realize it's in their best interest to pay me off to remove the ad. Like, bills in an envelope slide under my cubicle wall at midnight. Then I'd give it to a homeless shelter or something, just for the irony.
Mmm, irony.
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5 comments:
This is why the stock-market is evil. People who have no interest in the business, the employees, or the customer are the ones who call the shots. Shareholders (greedy hopefuls wanting get-rich-quick schemes) are the most important consideration and they do absolutely NOTHING!
Juno!
the best companies that offer their customers the best service, are the companies that sincerely take care of their employees. that list does not include fnis. however, i am a proud t-mobile phone user.
please consider finding a place that values you.
"Did you hit someone with the Previa?"
You might want to delete this day's entry eventually, although I enjoyed it.
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