Top ten list of things I think belong on a top ten list. PART II
5. The Violet Burning
What is it? An independent rock-n-roll band.Grammatically correct this time, ya whiners: On what top ten lists might you find it? Top ten unsigned bands. Top ten phrases that if you remove a letter become William Tecumseh Sherman tactic references. Top ten bands who have a song for which we totally sing the bridge wrong at church. Top ten bands you've never heard of that will rock your face off. Top ten phrases on t-shirts that Timothy and Jill own. Top ten live bands in a small venue. Top ten bands that are Timothy's favorite band evar.
Why should it be included on a top ten list? Independent anythings need publicity. Here's some publicity. But also, have you listened to Demonstrates Plastic and Elastic all the way through? Lipstick and the Dynamite Wonder (also called self titled)? If not, what are you waiting for? Their CDs are, like, 8 bucks right now on the website. Pick up Faith and Devotions of a Satellite Heart and Drop-Dead while you're at it. That's less than $30 for a ton of amazing music on four very different CDs. Just ask Nicholas, he's so in, too. I mean, look, how often to I actually link to something? It's gotta be good. And if you have heard of them (which you should have by now) go listen. I'll wait. If you haven't listened to a Violet Burning song today, it's been too long.
4. Role-playing
What is it? A situation in which people pretend to be other people within a given set of parameters.You know, like they're playing a role. In a thing. Role. Playing. How do I explain this? You know, when a person loves to hear themselves talk, and . . . . no, that's not quite right, uh . . . . Got it. It's like acting, only without an audience.
AHA! So that's it. And . . .
On what top ten lists might you find it? Top ten kinds of games that decrease your chances of getting a girlfriend unless the game is from White Wolf, but then, do you really want a girlfriend who LARPed Gehenna in a ballroom with 5000 other people back in aught four and now drops hints of how she couldn't pass in human society without the help of the Coils of the Dragon discipline? Top ten ways to spice up your sex life (No, seriously, like, every list with a title like that not only includes role-playing every time, but is also in all ways exactly the same as all the others excepting a different byline stock photo.). Top ten ways to make grief counseling fun. Top ten no seriously if you ever want to get a girlfriend and you don't already have one don't start playing these kinds of games and let's not even start talking about LARPing you guys. Top ten most annoying seminar activities. Top ten words that have a an honored letter place in the the most addicting acronym of all time: MMORPG.
Why should it be included on a top ten list? In a word, versatility. Role-playing can be dropped into all kinds of situations and be considered appropriate, or at the very least, apropos.For example, want to sit in a basement and imagine you're a thousand year old vampire who somehow still doesn't have the knowledge of the great mysteries of the Sabbat that the masked figure played by your DM's friend has? Role-playing can help. Got a hankerin' to sit in a basement and imagine you're a dual greatsword wielding Barbarian 2 / Fighter 4/ Frenzied Berserker 4/Dervish 10 with about a billion attacks? Done. Want to slave alone in your basement at a computer for 18 hours a day pretending to be a Paladin with an epic mount doing epic instances to get epic equipment so you can do more epic instances to get more epic equipment? Role-playing is so in. Want to pay $75 /hour to act out a conversation with a fifty year old woman who dresses in clothes made from sofa upholstery in order to assuage your anger at your absent father? Role-playing's got you covered. Want to feel awkward in front of a hotel ballroom full of people while pretending to sell lingerie to an overweight guy with a mustache and a pony tail who is pretending to be an irate female customer but is also giving you tips on how to sell him lingerie as you go? Again, done. Let's not even mention the possibilities for weekend camp-outs where you crawl through a river for an hour to sneak up and kill a troll, only to find that out your 'character' has neither the swim skill nor the sneak skill so all your real like work was for naught and you didn't actually do that, so take it back. Oh yeah, role-playing brings the love. Heck, I hear you can even spice up your love life.
So, by now, you may be asking yourself if role-playing is a panacea. But you don't have to ask yourself. You can pretend that your dog is me, and ask him. Go ahead. Get in the spirit. Once he gets into character, I'm sure he'll bark once for yes.3. Items of the Month
What is it? Something that comes every month, but you don't know what it's going to be until it arrives. And it rocks.On what top ten lists might you find it? Top ten clubs you can join for a nominal annual renewal fee and get something cool in the mail every month. I said every month, people. Like jam, or wine, or BBQ sauce, or panties, or fruit, or Disney DVDs, or candles, or desserts, or deserts, or steaks. Every single blessed month. I also suppose you might find it on the top ten things that keep you addicted to Kingdom of Loathing, but do you really need a second list?
Why should it be included on a top ten list? If you have to ask, you didn't see the first list it appears on up above. Let me explain it again. You pay some money to an organization. That organization, at a given time every month sends you a present in the mail. Packages in the mail are inherently the best thing on earth Plus, these are themed presents.
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm as anti-consumerist as the next guy, but just imagine, 3-5 business days after the first of the month, every month of the year, a new, delightful teddy bear, or whatever, appears in a box on your porch. I'm tempted to put this at number one just on sheer awesomeness. But, alas, my sense of fairness got in the way and I left it here at three.
Oh, I guess there also this. See that fancy gif of a hand up there? That's a picture of the second item of the month released in Kingdom of Loathing. It's the outline of a hand turkey, as you can clearly see, and in late November of 2004, if you had donated $10 to the makers of the game to get a Mr. Accessory to trade for one, or had earned enough in the game to buy a Mr. Accessory from someone who donated for one, you too could own this hand turkey outline. Now, the average price of these in the in-game mall has been recently hovering around $700 million. And since the average Mr. Accessory sells for 4 million in that mall, the outline is worth about $1750 dollars if you could find a buyer. Which you might be able to, believe it or not. Name another investment that's had a 17500% return in two years? Didn't think so. Thanks, role-playing. You finally paid off.
2. Pizza
What is it? One huge fat bundle of calories all wrapped up in 2π radians. Plus, cheese! And sauce. And meat. And bread. Mmm, bread. Bread and I have been having affair for the past about all my life.On what top ten lists might you find it? Top ten best tasting foods. Top ten most convenient foods. Top ten most fattening foods. Top ten kinds of hut. Top ten most delicious circular foods. Top ten Italian culinary exports. Top ten instances of the letter z making a t sound followed by an s sound in the same word.
Why should it be included on a top ten list? I think it's important, when creating a top ten list, to clue your reader into things that they may have overlooked in their quest for excellent experiences. Pizza is just the sort of thing you definitely do not want anyone to overlook. Ever. Look at it. Looking over it may cause you to miss and put the greasy cheese and sauce on your cheek, rather than in your mouth, where it belongs. Ok, technically, it belongs in your stomach eventually, but the mouth part of the journey is the best part.
1. AU
What is it? Gold. Atomic number 79, baby. What lead turns into if you're one of those alchemy punks.On what top ten lists might you find it?
Top ten medals you can receive at the Olympics. Top ten Electroplating Anonymous member obsessions. Top ten things to mythically have something turn into when you touch it. Top ten things that cost five electrum. Top ten most popular schlagers. Top ten gelding materials. Top ten FDA approved non-nutritional food additives. Top ten things your fiance expects in a wedding ring. Top ten third-world sweat shop farming crops (WoW only). Top ten Kelly's Heroes props. Top ten investment opportunities according to frequently-tin radio commercials. Top ten old coot who owns a mule exclamations. Top ten wallpaper leaf accents. Top ten decorative front teeth envelopers. Top ten Sauron metallurgy components. Top ten most malleable metals. Top ten pretentious organization pseudonyms for yellow. Top ten things that come in nugget form. Top ten elements with symbols based on Latin origins. Top ten doubloon ingredients. Top ten best things to find in a buried chest. Top ten metals you can make thread out of. Top ten eschatological street paving materials. Top ten mammon avatars. Top ten James Bond villain murder methods. Top ten objects of greed. Top ten fantasy couch building materials.
Why should it be included on a top ten list? See that massive list of lists up there? I'm just scratching the surface with top ten lists that gold can appear on. Think of a top ten list. I bet gold is on it already. And if it isn't, I bet it could replace something on there. It's like gold was made for being included on a list. Think about it; where do you most often see gold? That's right, on the Mendelev's periodical table of the elements. Which is a table. Which is a kind of list. PROVED.
And there it is. The top ten things that I think belong on a top ten list. Boys and girls, if you're good, next time, maybe Uncle Timothy's top ten list won't be a metalist. But I canna promise nothin'.
1 comment:
OK, you are right. But I think Platinum would be on a top 100 list, but since you aren't a cable TV network in desperate need of ratings you probably wont' go there . . . besides at that right it would take you 4 weeks to put it together, and that is shorter than it takes most of the cable TV top 100 programs to get through their lists. You are just too fast for corporate America.
Post a Comment