Top ten list of things I think should be on a top ten list. PART I/II

Part Next in my ongoing effort to be a wildly successful bloggeur by including top ten lists and bulleted points. So here it is, after hours and hours of painstaking research, here is my list of the top ten things that belong on a top ten list.

Top ten list of things I think should be on a top ten list. PART I

10. The number ten
What is it? The tenth number when counting. The basis for our entire world-wide number system (Unless, of course, you're a from a dozenal society like middle-belt Nigeria or are one of the Quendi (it's true, look it up)). The second discrete biprime (thanks Wikipedia!). The percentage you should give to the poor to count as a 'tithe'. The number of pennies in a dime. The number of dines in a dollar. The number of dollars that you should give me as an 'It's Thursday' present this week.

What top ten lists might you find it on? Um, all of them. Unless the author drops his top ten list to only include eight because he's, like, lazy, or out of time or whatever.

Why should it be included on a top ten list? 'Top ten' is alliterative, and 'Top Two' is so short as to be useless for meaningful comparison. Alliteration destroys all other purposes and rational reasons, right?


9. Apple computer
What is it? A large American corporation.

What top ten lists might you find it on? Top ten companies with annoying fan boys. Top ten worst consumerism fosterers. Top ten most annoying modern operating systems. Top ten least trusting of their customers by limiting out of the box functionality by not including a two-button mouse standard companies. Top ten advancers of the cause of DRM. Top ten buyers of executive quality black t-shirts. Top ten most recognizable logos. Top ten companies with fruit or vegetable appellations.

Why should it be included on a top ten list? Well, the company is awfully famous and a lot of really smart people like their computers. I mean, Steve Jobs and Rush Limbaugh and Albert Einstein according to their commercials all like them. Can't be ALL bad, right. And look at how many different top tens it makes. Apple is the apple of computer companies; shiny, super-sweet, and good to crunch. On an unrelated note, I'd like to point out that the MacBook Air is super-thin and fancy and costs $900 more than my new laptop that has significantly better specs. Call me crazy, and anti-consumerist if you will, but I'm not paying almost a thousand extra dollars so my portable computer weighs less and looks prettier than a much better computer . The same way that I'm not going to get an MP3 player with less functionality, a bloated and slow on-computer software interface that installs other crap on my computer that I didn't ask for, and then not be able to transfer any files I purchase from one computer to another (Or, heck, use it in Winamp, or Windows Media player or ANYTHING OTHER THAN ITUNES. AAC=ACK) just because it's got a mod design and delightful interface when there are a lot of cheaper options that let you transfer mp3s and use Rhapsody to download full free albums and don't, oh I don't know, SUCK. And on that note, what's with not having a replacement for the battery? Current batteries run down. We all know this. The latest super fancy world-record breaking Panasonic AA battery just came out and it's all the rage in battery circles, and it has an unused shelf-life of 5 years. UN-freaking-USED. 5 years. Top of the line. And you expect me to shell out how much to get a MacBook Air or iPod that I can't replace the battery on without voiding the warranty? Why can't I just swap out? Modularity, people. All the Sci Fi movies show it's the wave of the future. Ride that design wave, man.


8. Chernobyl and Pripyat and the nuclear plant disaster there
What are they? Twin cities of disaster. Not unlike St. Paul and Minneapolis (Take that, Steve.)

What top ten lists might you find it on? Top ten worst man-made disasters of all time. Top ten most unintentional Ukranian international acts of aggression. Top ten most influential events on late 20th century Belarussian potato farming. Top ten most impressive examples of the practical failure of international Communism. Top ten most impressive examples of Soviet cloudseeding technology to save a major city from radioactive fallout. Top ten list of events inspiring depressing and somber works of art. Top ten most dangerous urban exploring locations.

Why should it be included on a top ten list? OK, first off, check out this picture of radiation levels in the area:



Do you see that? Look where Minsk is, and then look where the radiation fell. The story goes that the day of the disaster, they rolled huge cannons out south of town and started firing them at Chernobyl. And whatever it was, cloudseeding, likely, stopped the radiation from hitting Minsk. By a long shot. Big ol' oval of no hair-falling-out, insides-mushy death. hat's technology, suckers. Yay modernism, you did something right! Cookie for you. Now go play with Romanticism and medievalism and us adults alone for a while, we're talking. Shh, shh. Not so loud. PUT THAT AFRICAN COLONY DOWN, RIGHT NOW. OOONE . . . TWOOOO . . . Good. Thank you. I appreciate you liste. . . I SAID PUT IT DOWN.

Second, it's a big deal to not forget that no matter how confident you are, you can royally screw up and pollute half of Europe.

Third, it was just another kick in the ribs to Belarus, a nation near and dear to my heart. See how much of that radiation in that map worked its way into Belarus. Seriously, can that place get any more beat up on? Napoleonic wars? Beat up on the way in, beat up on the way out. Hitler? Beat up on the way in, Beat up on the way out. Stalin? Eh, let's kill all the men. Soviet times? Chernobyl. Modern times? Weeellll, noe that the Soviet Union fell, we've had a great new democracy and new leadership and . . . whatthecrap, where did this ONION come from? (inside joke)

Fourth, look up Pripyat urban exploration pictures and any art concerning orphans and Chernobyl. Try not to cry.


7. DMND
What is it? A carbonated beverage dull of caffeine and awesome in precisely proportional amounts for some reason.

What top ten lists might you find it on? Top ten things that Timothy consumes (in liters). Top ten Timothy Johnson's sources of caffeine. Top ten Timothy's daily purchases. Top ten things that Timothy will quit by lent. Top ten zero-calorie caffeinated beverages. Top ten things that Timothy consumes that do not directly increase his BMI.

Why should it be included on a top ten list? Its ubiquity in my life is reason enough alone. But, really, what can't it do? I'm more awake in the morning (and the middle of the night, hmm). I have a daily ritual. You can pour it out as a libation to the gods of alacrity. I'm not staining my teeth with coffee. You could put a chicken bone in it and it would eventually dissolve. If poured in an underlit beaker containing raisins, the raisins will rise in a mysterious fashion to the top (it's the carbonation) where they can be plucked from the surface and consumed, thus saving the consumer those extra 6 inches of reach.


6. A shadow version of oneself that comes out of a mirror
What is it? You know, when you're on a quest, and everything, and near the end, you approach a mirror at the top of a tall tower, or across a misty lake, or in the middle of a snowstorm, or at the bottom of the maze-like temple, and a person that looks just like you, only made of pure shadow, steps out and you have to fight it using some obscure tactic like healing yourself, or hitting it with a hammer, or realizing that it's just a kid reading a book of your life, so don't freak out or anything, even though your horse just died in a swamp because he wasn't a hopeful pony and you barely escaped the sphinx statues with the eyes that shoot freakin' lasers. Also, the turtle's about to die, and so is the rock biter who had such strong hands, but that didn't keep him from being such a pansy and letting go. It's only 'nothing,' man, caintcha hold on? Such a baby. Oh, uh, SPOILER.

What top ten lists might you find it on? Top ten all-purpose movie and book spoilers. Top ten lame game design choices. Top ten most annoying things a DM can throw at you.

Why should it be included on a top ten list? Ok, the first one I mentioned above is reason enough. It spoils every movie, ever. What happens at the end of Fight Club? The Narrator fights a shadow version of himself that comes out of a mirror. Matrix: Revolutions? Neo fights a shadow version of himself that comes out of a mirror. The Usual Suspects? Verbal Kent fights a shadow version of himself that comes out of a mirror Bambi? Bambi fights a shadow version of his mother that comes out of a mirror Citizen Kane: Rosebud fights a shadow version of a sled that comes out of a mirror. Soylent Green? Detective Robert "Charlton Heston" Thorn fights a shadow version of it's people that comes out of a mirror.

Ok, folks, that' s the first half. I could finish it all now, but I'd be getting it out late. Turn in tomorrow for our exciting conclusion. Same bat time, same bat that fights a shadow version of a bat that comes out of a mirror.